denial can't quash desire

Intimacy is always a risk. It can be comfortable or uncomfortable, but it’s a universal risk. It’s the anthesis of self-protection, hiding, and shame. Intimacy is being naked, literally and metaphorically, and unashamed. Intimacy is our essence, our core desire, though it may be dormant. Because somewhere along the way, for many of us, we learned to bury it, or worse, disown it. It became unseen, muted, unrecognizable; it was replaced with a host of defense mechanisms that we (often wisely and skillfully) used to protect our hurting, grieving, misunderstood hearts. 

Does your desire for intimacy live under piles of denial? Mine has. I’ve spent years of doing whatever it would take to silence the core desire of my soul— to be loved. Why the heck do we do this to ourselves?! It’s a complicated answer that is full of nuance and differs from person to person (sorta). And I can’t tell you your ‘why’, but you will find it, if you introspect with honesty and intention. But maybe I can shed a little bit of light. Perhaps it will resonate with you. 

Belonging is our design. I believe in a Creator who fashioned us out of desire and delight. He created us to hold a desire for love in our hearts, both the giving and receiving of it. Can you see this desire? Do you recognize it? Can you feel it? Is it a soft whisper or a loud roar? If you’re like me, prone to avoidance, prone to doubting whether or not people will be there for you, physically or emotionally, this desire may be comatose. Soft whisper at best, inaudible at worst. Because it’s been buried. Beneath the weight of self-protection, self-sufficiency, grittiness, avoidance, and fear. 

It may be so far buried that you’ve actually convinced yourself that you don’t need intimacy the way ‘other people do’. Or that you’re just more 'self-sufficient' and 'independent' than other women (or men). Or that being intimate with another person and exposing yourself to them is 'weak', perhaps even unnecessary. I used to think such things...not always consciously, but very subconsciously. Until recently. When reality hit me in the face like a wasps sting. The truth hurts sometimes, but then again, it’s okay to feel pain, sadness, and grief. It's not just okay, it's necessary. 

What I realized is that I’d constructed all of these stories to protect me from something that was no longer a threat; like a shield, but without a battle. 

The stories were stories written long ago. They were meant to protect me from unfulfilled desires and old wounds that were once unbearable.

But now, in the present, they are only causing pain, disconnection (from my core self and from my relationships), and confusion. 

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Readers, we must look within— with an honest eye; we must peel back layers and knock down walls and recognize the cycles that keep us stuck. We must abandon other lovers— addictions, prestige, appearances, avoidance, pride, success even— things that make promises they cannot keep because they are only mere illusions of what we actually want. To be seen. To be known. To be loved to our very core. To be attached to another person who will love us the way we crave it. If you’ve ever wondered why addictions are so hard to break, it is (in part) because they mean so much to us; they fill such a deep, deep need.

Maybe you’ve also buried your desire to love and be loved back. Maybe you’ve been hurt, unseen, not chosen, not valued, or misunderstood. Told you were too much or not enough. So you did what anyone would do— bury desire in a world far, far away, believing perhaps that it would stay outcasted and you would be safe at last. You did it to protect your fragile heart. You did it because, at the time, you couldn’t bear the reality of your story. The pain was too grave. 

And that was wise, actually. You did what was instinctual to do. You were trying to survive. Can you come close to that part of yourself with compassion and love? 

Perhaps it is true that what was once used to keep you safe is actually keeping you stuck?

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What if, now, it’s safe to come out of hiding, to shout from the streets, “I want to be loved and cherished! I desperately need that because my Creator designed me this way!"

Child, don’t hide your face from the world. Don’t hide from your true self. Lay down the armor. You were never meant to be ashamed of your needs, your desires. 

When desire rumbles— when you feel that you want to love and be loved and connect with another— lean into that. Don’t retreat into the shell. Or construct another wall. Or make up a false story. Or disconnect from yourself. But lean into what is counter-intuitive. Let go. Trust. Be WILD. Give your true self what it’s longed for since the very beginning. Assurance of love. The gift of belonging. It is the realist reality about you— that you are loved. It’s a reality that cannot be shaken or taken from you. 

It’s time to show up and do the work— and hey guess what...I’m doing it with you! It’s time to feel all the feelings you’ve buried and the ways you’ve hid from yourself and the world. Maybe it’s time to get mad. Or to sob. Or to punch a pillow. Or tell the whole story, the true story of your life. To rewrite, rewire, and heal. To finally admit what is veiled, because it’s been buried so deep. The only way to heal is to move through, not around or above or below. The way out is the way through. 

It’s time to let the old stories go. 

Throw them to the wind. 

With love, 

Rachel 

(side note: all photos are by my talented creator of a husband, Coy. You can see more of his work at his website...coysellers.com)