bossing back fear and choosing abundance

I just started my last year of graduate school, and I’m entering into a wild year of full-time school, a graduate assistantship, and a clinical internship. These next few weeks could easily, and I mean EASILY, be a one-way ticket to scarcity-town, if I’m not mindful, if I’m not taking care of myself, if I’m not claiming my own power over my attitude. I can already feel it creeping in— the fear, manifesting as anxiety, about money, my schedule, about how chaotic it’s going to be, as if I can see the future. Sensations related to excessive busyness and “hustling” are a trigger for me because it reminds me of seasons of life when this part of me, my critic, had total control of my life; it reminds me of patterns of disassociation and self-abandonment and unhealth. It reminds me of what it was like to have my nervous system on constant and chronic energizer-bunny mode.

What I’m learning, though, is that there is another way of living and being in this world. Yes, the busyness may still exist in a certain season as it does right now, and sometimes I may have to be in energizer-bunny mode (which for me is not hard—it’s my default—so like, bring it on). But here is the nuance, the lesson that is my present life-- I have permission to manage this season of differently than I have in the past. I can equip myself well and tend to my soul. I can give it what it needs which in this case, is practicing a mindset and way of being that is of abundance, instead of falling prey to my default mode, which is scarcity.

I’ve been thinking— so what are the patterns, the thoughts, the feelings, the bodily sensations— associated with each way of thinking. And this is what came to me.  

For most of my life, I have lived in scarcity, I have felt it in my mind, body, and soul. Partly because of my temperament, partly because of my upbringing and conditioning, and partly because of my ego. Those of us, and I’d argue all of us at some time or another, who struggle with scarcity struggle deeply with fear. Fear is not the enemy, but if we let it have the final word, we’ll never reach our potential and we’ll always stay small.

Elizabeth Gilbert has quickly become one of my favorite authors (and humans). In her book Big Magic, she says that fear is “a desolate boneyard where our dreams go to desiccate in the hot sun”. Let that sink in for a while. Isn’t it true?

She also teaches that if there is only fear, fear without courage, we’ll always feel limited, we’ll never be able to access the courage we need to try something new or to create beauty. And this is true on a neurobiological level, by the way. Fear, quite literally, paralyzes us (freeze response), makes us run away (flight response), or prepare for battle (fight response). What Gilbert suggests is that fear and courage need to peacefully coexist. It’s unrealistic to think we just need to be without fear; we need fear to survive. Thanks to Fear, we don’t put our hand in boiling water or run red lights or walk into the middle of a busy street. I’d argue even that fear is good.

But even though it’s good, sometimes it needs a good, stern talking to. Fear doesn’t get to control us, rather we get to control it.

We have to let it know what it can and cannot do.

We get to put it in its place, tell it where it can and cannot roam.

And that sounds fun,

and also very empowering.

If you struggle with a scarcity mindset or a scarcity fueled life, please know that I am so with you. Like, deeply, truly. Just ask my husband. I was hesitant to even put this out there because when I inventory my life, it is absolutely and historically true that I tend to camp out in the field of scarcity. It is my default, my conditioning. I struggle to stay present because I’m always thinking of where I am not yet, but desperately wanting to be. I struggle with ruminating on what is lacking, what is missing, what is scarce. I am an Enneagram 1, the Reformer, the Idealist, and I am quite literally always thinking about how things could improve and be made better. And that’s not a bad thing, I actually love this about me; but it doesn’t always serve me, sometimes it robs me of joy in the present, and I need to be aware of when this strength becomes a robber of peace.

I’m sharing this with you despite all of these things because I am learning, and I am committed to rewiring and changing. I’m in it and I’m showing up for it. My heart craves abundance. It wants to know and feel what it is like to live in that space. Viktor Frankl is one of my favorite existential theorists and psychologists and he says this:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

In the space between stimulus and response there lies my power, my power to choose, my power to recondition, my power to grow.

I’m sensing patience and abundance rise up in me as I trust, as I wait for my career dreams to bloom, as I cultivate a knowingness that it is coming, in due time. Practices like self-care and meditation (I use the Insight and Headspace apps) and yoga and swimming and writing and reading fiction keep me grounded and present.

I am worthy, and you are to, of experiencing deep peace and rest while we wait for our dreams to come to life. I am worthy, and you are to, of expecting that it is coming and also believing that there is enough right now because there really truly is.

The thing about conditioning and neuroplasticity is that we get to UNcondition and rewire our minds. We are not rendered powerless in this life, and we get to evolve. Will it be hard— yes! Will it hurt sometimes— yes! Will you want to give up because the energy involved in changing our hardwired ways is really freakin’ hard— absolutely!

But we cannot lose sight of what we will gain. Abundance is the antithesis of scarcity, and it is indeed worth fighting for and surrendering too. Fear and courage can peacefully coexist. And when fear gets too big, when it zips me into scarcity town, I get to choose self-compassion, not judgement, love not criticism. Because perfection is an illusion, and all we can do is try new things, fall, and then get back up again.

With love,

Rachel

P.S. the title for this entry comes, partly, from Paris Goodyear-Brown, my clinical supervisor and founder of Nurture House. She wrote a book, one of many, called Worry Wars— it’s a workbook for kids and caregivers and it teaches them to “boss back” their anxiety. It’s an amazing resource! And I love the phrase: bossing back our anxiety or our fears! AND I’m all about giving credit where it is due!