Inner Critics, Internal Family Systems, and Self-Compassion
Self-compassion. I’m curious about what this word evokes in you. Perhaps maybe it’s an eye-roll or a sigh. Maybe it’s sensations of shame—you know self-compassion is what you want or need, but you just can’t seem to let go of or get rid of the self-critical voice. Maybe you think self-compassion is just some hokey psychological construct that is pointless and only exists to hinder your success and achievements. Or, maybe the word connotes freedom because self-compassion has been something that’s helped you grow.
Any reaction you have to this idea of self-compassion is entirely okay. But I want to unpack for you what this word actually means and why I think it’s necessary for growth and change.
For most of my life, my inner critic has ruled my life. She tells me that nothing I do is ever good enough, that I can always be better than I am right now. She is constantly judging my every move. My inner critic likes black and white categories like good and bad, success and failure. She echoes the voice of shame and wants so desperately for me to believe that who I am is fundamentally flawed and not enough, unworthy of love (from Self and others), belonging and connection. Her purpose is to keep me “in line”, to keep me productive and responsible.
For most of my life, I believed that if I could just out-run my inner-critic or even heed her advice more effectively than I had been before, then I would be free. I would be OKAY. I would have arrived at a place of enoughness. Until I realized that would never work.
Fighting my inner-critic and telling it to take a hike and leave me alone—that also doesn’t work. Pretending that my inner-critic doesn’t exist—also doesn’t work. Rationalizing with it doesn’t work and trying to be better and more effective at listening to its advice also doesn’t work.
So, what works?
Feeling and looking at all the stuff that your inner critic is trying to prevent you from feeling and looking at—that’s what works.
IFS (Internal Family Systems) has been really beneficial in helping me understand the function of my inner critic. I’m not going to unpack an entire psychological theory here (Google it), but I’ll give you a brief overview. The basic assumption of this model is that we all have different “parts” of ourselves, sometimes referred to as “sub-personalities.” These parts are often in conflict with one another and with one’s core Self, a concept that describes the confident, compassionate, whole person that—according to IFS—is at the core of every person.
There are 3 distinct types or categories or “parts” in this model—Managers, Exiles, and Firefighters. Managers are responsible for warding off and suppressing negative emotions or experiences. Your inner critic is a type of Manager because the goal of our inner critic is to keep us “in check”, to ward off anything that may distract us from our goals and responsibilities in day-to-day life. Our managers attempt to keep us in control of our lives and to protect us from feeling hurt or rejected. Some manager parts may be a controller, striver, judger, planner or self-critic. The internal managers try really hard to suppress the Exiles feelings and needs. Our Exiles are the parts that hold disowned feelings, needs, desires, hopes, and memories. They hold the pain and the shame of the past—they are the wounded Inner-child that lives inside all of us. They hold unresolved intergenerational trauma and wounds. Exiles want to be seen and heard, but the Managers/Protectors are worried their distress might overwhelm and hijack the whole system (being your internal world, or mind.) Exiles are typically unconscious until they are brought to consciousness, which is one of the goals of IFS.
Then we have our Firefighters. They are reactive and work hard to put out fires (pain) when we are triggered. They are also protector parts but act after Exiles are upset to either soothe them or distract from them. Firefighter parts may be things like addictions, disordered eating, binge eating, dissociation, obsession, compulsion, etc. Firefighters, like Managers, want to keep you safe from your Exiles. And while that sounds helpful, it’s not. Because they’re protecting you from what is good and healing, not what is currently dangerous.
The Self, or the true Self, is the core of you. When it’s differentiated from the other parts, it acts as a powerful, compassionate leader. It lives in conscious awareness of what is real, and it helps you live out your values. The Self is grounded in her identity, is connected in relationships, and is free to be vulnerable, creative, and courageous. Think Brene Brown badassery and wholeheartedness—this can only be lived out by the Self.
If you’re confused, that’s okay. Maybe you’ve never even thought about the idea that you have different “parts” or sub-personalities with conflicting agendas that make up your singular self. It took me a while to really grasp this idea, but once I did everything started to make sense, especially the parts of myself that were always seemingly “at war” with each other.
So, what in the world does this have to do with self-compassion?
Understanding that my inner-critic and manager Self wasn’t the only part of me and that there was in fact a TRUE self buried and muddied by all of these parts allowed me to begin to show myself the compassion that I so desperately needed. Self-compassion allowed me to appreciate the function of each part and begin to give voice to my true Self. Now, when I start to notice my inner critic rearing its head, I am able to say things like, “I appreciate how you are trying to keep me safe (manager), but I’m allowing for my sadness to have a seat at the table today (exile).” Or, “I know that you are trying to keep me from feeling hurt (firefighter), but I am allowed to feel a full spectrum of emotions (Self).”
The ultimate aim of IFS and parts work is to restore and heal the wounded parts and to establish a trusted and integrated internal system that is coordinated by the Self and not by the Managers, Exiles, and Firefighters. When the Self is in charge, we are able to observe and not react. We are able to live in a conscious and mindful state. When the Self is in charge, self-compassion is made possible because it’s not being shut down by a protector part.
This leads me to self-compassion. I’m not even going to pretend to be an expert on this concept. If you want to really dig into the nitty-gritty of it, check out Dr. Kristin Neff. She is the expert and research pioneer. Self-compassion essentially means treating yourself as compassionately and gently as you treat others. It is the recognition that we all suffer and that we all deserve to be comforted. It, most simply put, means caring for yourself as a caregiver did (or should have) cared for you.
As Dr. Neff says,
“Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
Dr. Neff defines 3 elements of self-compassion:
Self-kindness over self-judgment
Common humanity vs. isolation
Mindfulness vs. over-identification
Self-compassion means being kind to ourselves when we fail or realize our shortcomings. It is the opposite of self-criticism or ignoring our pain and pretending it away. Common humanity recognizes that pain and suffering and not getting what you want right this very second isn’t just something that happens to “me” but is rather a shared human experience. Isolation happens when we play the victim card, when we tell ourselves the false story that we are the only ones moving through a difficult time or wrestling with personal shortcomings.
Mindfulness means observing our emotions (all of them, especially the uncomfortable ones) and experiences without judgment or criticism. So often we avoid, deny, or suppress emotions like fear, anger, and sadness, most of the time because we subconsciously believe that we cannot tolerate them, or we shouldn’t feel them. We learned this from our family of origin. How your family dealt with (or didn’t deal with) emotions, if left unaddressed, is how you are unconsciously dealing with them now. Mindfulness means that we notice and identify our emotions. It’s important to not over-identify with them, so much so that we allow them to take over us completely and rob us of power. That is over-identification. When we mindfully observe our emotions, we usher in honesty and awareness. We allow ourselves to ride the emotional wave.
I do want to make a quick digression here—one day, perhaps I won’t do that when I write. But it seems to be a trend right now. And I believe this is a really important digression. If you did not have a healthy, secure attachment as a child, if you did not have a safe, empathetic adult who enabled you to form a mental model for compassion and nurture, then this concept of self-compassion is truly radical and probably uncomfortable. Simply because you were not given the opportunity, the neural pathways or the somatic, body memories to understand self-compassion. You cannot know, in a visceral sense, what you never received. So, if this is you, and I know that this is true for many of us, be patient with yourself as you learn self-compassion. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither are new neural pathways. But don’t give up. Keep going. Because you deserve to heal.
If you want to read more about the concept of self-compassion, I highly recommend you check out selfcompassion.org (Dr. Neff’s website). It’s chalked full of resources for you!
Look, we are neurobiologically wired to protect ourselves from danger. And that is what our inner-critic does—it tries to protect us, to keep us safe (even from things that aren’t dangerous, like emotions or having your own needs.) Chances are if you do have a loud-inner critic, this has been your coping mechanism for a long time because at some point you learned that you could white-knuckle and ‘perfect’ your way into feeling good enough about yourself. If you are really self-protected, chances are that you have some Exiles who are begging to be listened to.
And, I write this for myself, as much as I write it for you. Because I’m still doing this work.
What would it be like for you to ask your inner critic to take a backseat for a while? What would it be like if self-compassion took its place? What would it feel like if self-kindness had a greater hold of your heart? What would it be like for you to do the work of finding and giving voice and power to your Self, the one who is buried and muddied by your Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters?
At some point, we have to realize that judging and criticizing ourselves into being who we want to be just doesn’t work. It’s exhausting and disheartening. It’s robotic and sterile. You are not a robot. You don’t have to be “kept in check.” You deserve the same kind of compassion and kindness that you so freely offer to others, and that God so freely offers you. If the God of the Universe calls you Beloved, tells you that He covers you in compassion and grace and love, what is stopping you from having that same posture towards your very Self? Perhaps it’s time to look and see.
With compassion,
Rachel