On pleasure and productivity
Friends, I hope that you are well. And hangin’ in there!
As for me, I’ve been fighting a mono flair and sleeping 11-12 hours a night for the past two weeks. This whole pandemic thing has not been a vacation, though it’s not really supposed to be. We’re experiencing a global crisis. And if I’m surviving, if you are surviving, then we’re doing a good job.
Even though I have test results to prove my mono flair up, I still have been struggling to accept that I haven’t been able to use this time to be as productive or creative as I would have liked. Every morning (or more like afternoon…) when I wake up, I’ve been immediately smacked in the face by the hands of my shame gremlins. “Wow, half of your day is over, Rachel…Coy’s about to eat lunch, you should just have more discipline, just push through this, you have so much work to do, that final project is due so soon, you’re getting behind…” And so, it goes. Shame stories. Such ruthless bullies they are.
Look, if you think us therapists don’t have “stuff”, you’ve been deceived. We don’t get into this work because we’re baggage-free; we get into this work, many of us, because we believe in the therapeutic process. Not just because we’ve read some research, but because we’ve walked and continue to walk that road ourselves. We are as committed to our own work as we are to our clients. Many of us have our own therapists because we need people to keep our stories for us, too. I’ve been honest on this platform about my own recovery journey because vulnerability is my way, and I don’t pretend anymore. I am a recovering perfectionist, and where there is perfectionism, there is *most likely* workaholism, and I, like the world, am not immune from it.
Over these past few years, I have had to unlearn so much of my conditioning and learn how to rest and be still. Literally, my body didn’t know how, and it is still very much learning that it’s safe now to chill out. And in many ways, this mono flair is forcing it (okay, God, you funny, you funny). This is what happens when you’ve literally lived your entire life with *mostly* only one part of your nervous system activated (the sympathetic nervous system/fight-flight).
Listen, I am specializing in play therapy and expressive arts, and if you know me then there is something about this that is laughable because it’s so not my natural M.O. But as I continue to heal, I am learning to see that it’s actually TOTALLY my M.O. Because beneath all of my layers of logic and seriousness and career drive is a little girl who just wants to play and make a mess and create beautiful things. And that’s not just true for me, I think it’s true for you, too.
So, where does our incessant drive to be productive come from? It isn’t a simple answer, it’s nuanced and, in some ways, individualized. And yet it is a simple answer, as there is so much about it that is universal to our human condition.
For many people, being productive feels safe and natural because it’s a form of coping. It goes like this: if I’m doing all the time, then I don’t have to look at all the stuff that may be unconsciously bubbling up inside of me, especially those uncomfortable feelings of shame or that unprocessed trauma that may be driving the behaviors. Productivity is a defense mechanism. It is protective, it protects us from feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and facing who we are underneath the masks of what we do. It shields us from acknowledging our wounds. It perpetuates unhealthy patterns and beliefs. It functions as the ultimate means of avoidance.
For some of us, productivity is learned behavior. It’s what was modeled for us. We adopted the belief that constantly doing and achieving is how we were supposed to exist in the world. We learned that this is where our sense of worth and identity came from…that what I have to offer the world through my work is the most important thing, so I better crank it out and give it my 200%. This is especially true for people who carry several privileged identities, and I acknowledge that I am one of them. I was taught that the “good life” was the American Dream, and it is far from the truth. Have you ever given yourself permission to question what you’ve been taught? Perhaps there is another way…?
We are also addicted to productivity because of the stories we’ve written for ourselves about what non-productivity means. If being unproductive, if focusing on being rather than doing, means that you are lazy, and if you’ve made a value judgment about “lazy”, then you’re going to avoid non-doing or simply being because it threatens your identity. Because you’ve decided for yourself that “being lazy” is unacceptable, bad, or even morally wrong.
Get curious about what you believe, about what you tell yourself about productivity and rest. Journal about it. Draw it out. Bring it to consciousness without judgment but with acceptance. This is the first step.
From a parts-work perspective (in therapy, also known as Internal Family Systems), what’s going on here is that two parts are competing for drivers’ seat, or for control over your system (aka, you). Your Manager, sometimes known as the “inner-critic”, is responsible for making sure that you are responsible and diligent. Your Manager wards off or suppresses negative emotions, which, if those bubble up, may threaten the Manager’s power. For those of us that struggle with perfectionism and hyper-productivity, we have a really loud Manager part. This part wants to keep us “in check” and make sure that anything that might distract us for our purpose or our work is warded off. Which is all well and good if we’re about to go rob a bank…but not so well and good if the thing that the Manager is trying to ward off isn’t actually a threat (i.e.: play and rest and feeling your feelings).
You are not only your Manager. At the core of you is a Core Self who is differentiated, curious, compassionate, and creative. A healthy internal system is one in which the Core Self is in charge and leads with vulnerability and wisdom. When the Core Self is in charge, it knows that play and rest and doing things for the sake of fun are important to the overall health and wellness of the system. The Core Self knows that the inner child that is inside of all of us (the one that I mentioned above who wants to play and make a mess and create beautiful things) needs space to be heard.
I like viewing this idea through an Internal Family Systems perspective because it shows us that our inner drive to be productive isn’t “bad.” It’s helpful, it contributes positively to human flourishing, to goodness and beauty. It’s important that we work and that we do our work well. From a spiritual lens, our work really matters. So, please don’t hear me say that you need to quit your job and be a sloth for the rest of your life. This isn’t dichotomous.
But when life becomes all about the hustle or about boxes to check off, we’ve crossed the line into an unhealthy territory. If you cannot take a day off, or a few days off, if you cannot sleep in or read a fiction novel or just do something for the sake of fun and pleasure, then maybe it’s time to examine the stories you’re telling yourself about productivity and work and play.
Your productivity is not a metric of your worth. As my teacher Brene Brown says, “exhaustion is not a status symbol”, though hasn’t our culture made it one?! It’s made it the ultimate one. Like if you’re not totally burnt out and fried at both ends then you’re not working hard enough? It’s time to call that bullshit, ya’ll. It’s time to unsubscribe from the hustle culture.
Work is not a way to prove your worth. You are already worthy. Because of who you are, not what you do and what you can contribute to this world. This entire blog is about wholehearted living. Living with your head, your heart, your body, and your mind. It’s about healing and the integration of all of your beautiful parts that make you, you. And if we are going to live wholeheartedly—if we are going to live and lead with courage and authenticity—we have to learn how to rest and play and be silly again. We have to liberate our inner-kid. We have to learn to embody what is truly counter-cultural and do what Brene Brown says: “to let go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.” May it be so.
Learning and growing with you, as I will be, always and forever,
Rachel
*p.s. if you want to read more about Internal Family Systems, I wrote about it a few blog posts back! :)