this and that space
Black and white thinking— “this or that” thinking— permeates our culture and has shaped much of my cognitive world. Yet, so much of my personal healing from an eating disorder and anxiety and attachment issues has asked me to abandon such a binary way of thinking, to find peace in the gray— in the middle space. It’s what I like to call the “this and that” space. I’m deeply convinced that this sacred space is where the magic of life happens.
Seeing either black or white was the way I was raised, not just in my family of origin, but in the larger community I lived in. I believed I was either good or bad, smart or stupid. I was weak or strong, a leader or a follower. I was conditioned to think in extremes, and my hunch is that my fellow recovering perfectionists know this mindset very well. Either you do something perfectly or it absolutely sucks. This way of thinking is totally engrained in our culture, in part, because I don’t think we know how to deal with or navigate the gray spaces. It’s an easy and effortless way to think. It’s decently logical. It gives us a sense of control, a sense of right or wrong, a sense of power and definitiveness. Yet it is so very deceitful and so very harmful.
One of the hardest “this or thats” that I’ve been unlearning and releasing is around this idea that I am either an independent person or a dependent person. Let’s explore, shall we?!
Independent and dependent are not mutually exclusive ways of being in the world. Maybe this is surprising to you— it certainly was for me. The dominant cultural narrative that shaped me was that women ought to be extremely independent, self-sufficient, to not “need” a man to complete them, or, as I interpreted, to love them. These ideas served me so well, especially throughout middle and high school when I really struggled to fit in and feel known or seen for my true self. If I wore a cloak of self-sufficiency, of total independence, maybe it could protect me from the nagging emptiness and aloneness that I felt. I armored up, convincing everyone around me and myself that intimacy wasn’t “for me”. I didn’t need it. I was above it. I was perfectly okay without it.
But I actually wasn’t. I wasn’t at all. Because you can’t run away, at least not forever, from the very thing that you were created to receive and embody— love. This is, whether you realize it or not, your greatest need. It’s okay if you’ve buried that or denied that for a long time. It’s okay if receiving love, from yourself or from someone else, is really scary for you. It sometimes is for me too. But we weren’t designed to live from wound. We were made for healing and relationship.
Old cognitive maps die hard, people. But, they can die, or at the very least, can they lose their power. The reality is that we are both independent and dependent, at the very same time. I am independently me, and yet fully capable of authentic, intimate relationships that are built on trust and dependence. The Trinity illustrates this beautifully— God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit— all uniquely themselves, yet also deeply entwined and connected.
This is what I want you to hear. I want you to hear that you are capable of standing your own sacred ground and also opening yourself up to love. I want you to know that you can have both. We become our true selves when we choose to open ourselves up to intimacy, trust, and dependence, not even just with other people but within our own souls. You won’t lose yourself. The voice telling you otherwise is the voice of fear. Gently remind it that you’re in charge. In this surrender, you will find yourself, and you may even find a God who loves you, who is waiting for you, yearning for union with you, His chosen child.
Nothing is black or white, either/or, this or that. Where in your own life do you need to challenge this idea? Life is, in fact, “this and that”, it’s “yes/and”. We can’t boil everything down to simplicity all the time. Humanity is not simple; we are nuanced, paradoxical beings with so many complex layers. Abandoning a “this or that” mindset takes practice, self-compassion, and self-awareness. It takes getting really honest with yourself, which can be scary because what if that honesty brings you face to face with pain, disappointment, and grief. It’s okay to let it surface, to let it rise. Yes, it may cause you to unravel, but remember, the raveling happens in the unraveling.
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with love,
Rach