where wisdom dwells

Graduate school is in absolute full swing. I love it. I feel like a sponge, curious to soak up every ounce of every page that I read. Except for reading the DSM 5...reading that mama-hunker is like eating a plain rice cake, it's real dry. 

Everything that I'm reading is exactly what I was so eager to understand and to learn, though while teaching, I couldn't quite put my finger on what exactly that was. I no longer have to focus on how to manage behavior, but on why behaviors exist. I'm in a position right now where I get to be the absorber of knowledge and it feels quite refreshing.   

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my body and my relationship with it. Part of what I want to do after I graduate is to work in the eating disorder recovery community and help children, men, women, teens,people, develop a relationship with their bodies that is built on self-compassion, connection and love. It's not new news that we live in a culture that worships fad diets, loves labeling different types of eaters, and completely promotes disordered eating. But I think that we've, perhaps unconsciously, developed a backwards idea. 

We often believe that if we can ensure that our bodies look a certain way (maybe: slim, muscular, fit, skinny, proportionate, strong), then we will feel good in our bodies and at home in our bodies. 

I think we've become confused. I certainly have. And it's absolutely not our fault. 

Let's invert that statement, that line of thinking. 

What if, once we come home to our bodies and feel good about our bodies, thenwe can make peace with our shape and size and imperfections. 

Maybe it's actually about radical self-acceptance, more than it is about body image. 

It's an inverse, counter-cultural approach, sure. But what if "body acceptance" is not really about accepting our bodies "appearance", but about accepting who we are —our passions, temperaments, personalities, motivations, spirituality, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. 

What if healing our relationship with food begins with healing our relationship with our whole selves?

For most of my life, I've struggled with trust, but until recently, I did not know that it actually started within me, between me and me, not between me and someone else. I've held onto an unconscious belief that if I lean on others for guidance and wisdom, especially those who I deeply respect and who have accomplished things similar to what I want to accomplish, then I can avoid having to depend on myself...I can avoid even intimacy with myself! Why? Because I don't trust myself. It's really ironic because I, like many of us, struggle with being/seeming overly independent in my relationships— it's an intuitive defense mechanism for letting people think you don't need them (when you really, actually do). We often think that we only struggle with either/or dependence or independence. But like many things, it's not an either/or struggle...it's a that/and struggle. If you've ever been in a codependent relationship, you likely know what I mean. And now that I've (sorta) digressed, let me get back to my point...

Here's the irony. I have believed myself to be very independent and autonomous; i've sometimes even taken pride in it. If you know me well, you're probably thinking, "yeah, that sounds right." But ya'll, the truth has slapped me awake. How can one be honestly independent and self-assured when they don't trust themselves, let alone others? 

The answer it that they can't. I can't. We can't. 

We've been deceived. 

This revelation could certainly be shame-inducing. It hasn't. It has actually been one of the most empowering gifts I've ever received. It has been liberating. 

We've been taught that to love ourselves is selfish and indulgent and wrong. I believe that is the furthest thing from the truth and it is HARMFUL; sometimes I wonder if God ever thinks, "no no, you've got it all backwards, children!" God's call to us is to love our neighbors as ourselves. How can we truly, sacrificially offer love and care to others if we cannot extend that same level of love and care to our very selves? Our capacity to love starts within ourselves. It starts with a relationship with our very being. No matter what stories you've been told, let me offer you a new one. 

You are allowed— you are free to begin the journey of befriending yourself...fully, intimately, imperfectly, and with the same adoration that God has when he looks at you. You are His work and all of His work's are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Maybe in the very act of accepting and embracing your WHOLE self, you'll find that you are also able to accept your body, too...as it is in this very moment and on this very day. 

I wrote a poem last week. I'm not a poet and I can assure you I probably broke all poetry rules. But, whatever. It's about coming home to ourselves. I hope it speaks to you, as it did to me. It was almost like God whispered to me, "dear child, come home to yourself and trust yourself, for my spirit dwells in you and I will lead and guide."

...

....

......

My body is my home.

I am home in me. 

In it I can feel, 

especially the hard things. 

The things I tuck, stuff, deny and magnify. 

In my body I can feel all of it, when laced with self-compassion.

Freedom is coming home to myself,

approaching myself with gentleness, not harshness.

In my body is my spirit and the Holy Spirit, both guiding and speaking. 

The work of becoming myself is about coming home to myself, claiming the belovedness of my being. 

Of all of the wisdom there is to gain, the best of it already lies within me.