a million dreams

When I was a teenager, my favorite song was “all you need is love”. I had a pair of jeans— my favorite pair— that I decorated myself with paint pens and sharpies. Ripped holes and yellow flowers and peace signs covered them from top to bottom. My very conservative father loved them. I was a dreamer, an idealist, a visionary, always acutely aware of the things that were wrong with the world and always conjuring up ideas to change it, to make it better, to make beautiful things. 

I also loved showtunes. I still love them and blast them in my car when I’m alone. The song “A Million Dreams” from the Greatest Showman has been on repeat these past few months. I know every word. Theres a part in the song that goes like this...

'Cause every night I lie in bed

The brightest colors fill my head

A million dreams are keeping me awake.

I think of what the world could be

A vision of the one I see

A million dreams is all it's gonna take

A million dreams for the world we're gonna make

I think of what the world could be, a vision of the one I see. 

...

.....

Less trauma, more safety. Less orphans, more loving families. Less hatred, more love. Less cynicism, more hope. Less children who are written off as ‘behavior problems’, and more people willing to see their unmet needs that are driving the behaviors...that one really gets me. Less comparison, more compassion. Less diet culture (okay, no diet culture), more freedom in our bodies. 

I can see it, I can dream it, I can viscerally sense it. A world, as it was intended from the beginning, in Genesis. A world where people are seen and loved and unashamed. A world that is beautiful and lovely. A world very different from the one that my feet touch and my eyes see. 

I love to propel myself into the future that I want to co-create with my Creator. I see a white house with an herb garden, like my moms. I hear chickens greeting the rising sun, and I smell the citrus coming from pour over coffee that Coy is preparing. I see children and small (and large) Birkenstocks and a Golden-doodle (or a Frenchy). I see myself balancing motherhood and a career that I love, my work as a play therapist and teacher and writer and speaker. 

Sounds awesome, right!? Thank you, Lord, for imagination and child-like wonder. 

But here’s the thing. I married a realist who often brings me back down to earth when I’m up among the clouds... for maybe too long. He likes to remind me that vacations do cost money and that, unfortunately, I do have to pay taxes and renew my car tags once a year. He's not a killjoy...don't hear me say that. He's just good about reminding me about what is when I'm too busy thinking about what should be or could be. He is also a dreamer and an artist, but on the spectrum of idealism and realism, he swings towards the side of realism. 

Here me say this, fellow dreamers, we are a gift to this hurting world. It needs our imagination, our spirit of wonder. We don’t have to tone ourselves down! Embrace this gift. It’s a part of you that is beautiful, a part that reflects the Lord’s heart for beauty and goodness and restoration of what is broken and unjust. 

But perhaps what I am learning is that sometimes the multitude of what-if's and what-could's lead me too far away from my anchor, a sense of contentment and peace surrounding what my life is right now, the peace of Christ. 

Sometimes I get so lost in ideas and big, lofty goals, that I have a hard time with the steps in between the right now and where I’d like to be. And sometimes that makes me anxious, frustrated even. Like I can SEE IT, those sweet sweet goals and visions, that farm and those kids and that career and the impact I want to make in the world of counseling and play therapy and developmental trauma. And it’s not yet. I am evolving, I am becoming. I am well on my way. I find myself crying out, Lord help me to stay here, in this space of waiting and anticipation!  

...

Can I hold space for my big, big dreams and also stay surrendered, opened up to what I may not have imagined yet? 

Can I embrace both, idealism and realism, remembering that it’s not an either/or, but a ‘this and that’ kind of thing?

Can I keep dreaming, keep imagining, and all the while, cultivate a sense of contentment for what my life is right now, today?

Yes, the answer is yes, I believe. 

Being content, at peace, in the here and now doesn’t mean that I’m abandoning my dreams, or shrinking, or settling for less. Let’s reframe it, shall we? 

Being content in the here and now means that I have the courage to stay present and the freedom to remain surrendered to what is unseen. It means practicing gratitude, so that a spirit of abundance would well up in me, keeping the mindset of scarcity at bay. 

We had the privilege of having Sandra McCracken lead us in worship this past Sunday morning. She sang one of her songs, God’s Highway, and these lyrics struck me. They’ve stayed with me this week. Perhaps they’ll encourage you, too!

My feet are strong, my eyes are clear,

I cannot see the way from here.

But on we go, He knows the way,

And in His arms, He keeps me safe.

Fear not, keep on, watch and pray

Walk in the light of God's highway. 

*I feel compelled to mention that much of this conversation around dreams, gratitude, and contentment is connected to privilege. I own that, I’m pondering that, and thinking through what it means for me and for other people. That I have the resources to imagine a future like the one I do is a privilege, and we need to be aware that not everyone has this same ability, due to poverty, injustice, systemic racism/ableism, and inadequate access to resources (to name a few). Just food for thought…