surrender, personal responsibility, and nuance

Two ideas I’ve been thinking a lot about lately are Christianity and personal responsibility to our healing processes (from trauma, attachment wounds, and/or pain experienced from just being a human living in a broken world). 

Something that needs to be said is this: we have to stop using the “I’m giving it up to God” phrase as a way of avoiding personal responsibility and diminishing the importance of working through our own shit. It’s shaming and unhelpful and can especially can be re-traumatizing for trauma survivors. Surrender is important— it’s a part of a bigger, more nuanced process. 

I do believe that God is actively involved in our healing journeys, and YES, His heart for us is for wholeness and holiness, but we also have a responsibility to do our own work. To feel through our pain, just like Jesus did. To weep and get angry and be honest, just like Jesus did. To surrender, yes, but to also claim our power, for we are NOT powerless, we are fierce; we are empowered by His spirit to show up for ourselves and to do hard things. Yes, He is in control, but so are we. It’s not one or the other, it’s both/and. 

We aren’t just puppets in God’s grand narrative, but active participants who are breathing and working and writing stories within the larger script of His story. 

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I’m not saying that we should take everything into our own hands and pull ourselves up by our shoelaces (it’s not black and white like that). But I AM saying that we DO have an active part to play if we want to show up, to grow, to heal. And if “surrender to God” is merely avoiding hard things, then it’s not really surrender at all. 

A mentor of mine/a professional in the mental health field who I deeply respect challenged me recently to think about "personal responsibility" as it relates to systems. She challenged me to reflect on the reasons a person may have needed or still need to avoid entering into the healing journey because of lack of safety or shame or systemic oppression. She brought up a really important point, a point that I wanted to unpack a little. 

There are so many social injustices that keep people from accessing the help they need and deserve. Whether it's poverty, racism, ableism, classism, or even explicit or (implicit) family rules, there are several factors OUTSIDE of a persons locus of control that can and absolutely do hinder people from the healing process. Reflecting on this helped me remember that there is truly no single story about a person, no one factor that hinders or allows for growth, but a colorful mixture of so many things. Yes, spirituality and personal responsibility play an important role in the healing journey (sometimes), but that cannot (always) be true of someone who is or has been a victim of abuse or neglect or other forms of trauma. Sometimes people are silenced...they cannot exercise their power, they are rendered voiceless, and are out of control. And it is not their fault. 

And the last thing they need...the last thing some of us need... are therapists telling them that they should "claim their power" because the only thing that does is reinforce shames ugly narrative. We must recognize unjust social systems that make it really hard or even impossible for people to enter into the healing journey. 

So, in closing...if you are one who is prone to spiritually bypassing as a way of avoiding personal responsibility or giving up the totality of your power or avoiding your pain because you're just "surrendering it to God" when you really just might be scared...well, me too. I've been there. And what I want you to hear is that this is a "both/thing", a "this and that" thing if you've read a few posts back. We must acknowledge God's power and presence in our lives AND our power to put on the new self, to throw off that which hinders, and to move through our pain honestly, with a blessed assurance that we are being held by our higher power. So yes, surrender and let go...but also know that you have a role to play, too. 

AND ALSO...

We must be aware, like really aware and conscious of NOT using the narrative of personal responsibility as an absolute given or privilege for all people all the time. Because the reality of living in a broken world is injustice in the form of systematic oppression and abuse and violence and dehumanization. We have to recognize the systems that make it fundamentally IMPOSSIBLE for people to exercise their voice and their power. And we need to advocate (but I won't digress...at least not today...)

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See, nuance is literally EVERYWHERE. If you're willing to look close enough and see the many shades of grey that exist between extremes, between black and white.