Validation is medicine
Validation is medicine, and it’s what we all so desperately need. It’s one of the most undervalued communication skills on this planet, likely because we’re not taught how to do it, and it’s often not modeled for us. I mean, let’s be real— healthy communication skills, in general, have not been modeled for most of us.
And that’s not necessarily anyone’s “fault”. I think it stems from our system and our culture. The values of our culture largely reflect a very masculine energy. What I mean by that is valuing things like problem-solving, logic, fixing, and doing. The feminine energy and more feminine qualities, like nurturing, gentleness, wisdom, and emotion tend to be undervalued and even dismissed. So basically, it’s the patriarchy’s fault…
Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person’s thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and life experiences. Self-validation is simply the same thing, just communicated from the self to the self. Validation is not agreeing with someone, nor does it mean approving of certain behaviors. Validation is simply acknowledging reality and naming it for what it is.
Validation sounds like, “It makes so much sense that you’re feeling this way” or “Sometimes things just don’t make any sense.” It sounds like, “I see that you’re frustrated” or “This is really difficult.” It communicates that what a person is feeling is real for them and that you’re willing to listen and understand their perspective, whether you agree with it or not. It shows that you are present and listening and that you are willing to “be with” someone when they are hurting. Sometimes this is called “attunement”; attunement means being aware of, attentive, and responsive to something. In this case, I’m referring to another person’s emotional experience.
Our culture has normalized statements like, “You’re going to be fine; it could be worse, you’ll get over it, you’re being too sensitive…”
These statements are invalidating and dismissive. Even though they might feel true to you in that moment and even though your intentions to help might be pure and good, not only is it not the right time to say these things but it’s also usually an unconscious attempt to escape actually empathizing and feeling with the other person. Let’s analyze some of these statements that I mentioned in the paragraph above.
Several of them are examples of toxic positivity. What I mean by that is this assumption that despite a person’s very real pain, they should only have a positive mindset or attitude. Yes, there is a time and place for encouragement and positivity and hopefulness, but that time is NOT when they’re in the depths of feeling sad, discouraged or hurt. Bypassing difficult emotions isn’t helpful or brave or wise— it’s destructive and causes more pain in the long run.
And let’s take a look at the “You’re being too sensitive” statement. I could write an entire blog post just about how you should never say this to anyone ever. But for the purposes of this topic, I’ll just say this— telling someone that they’re being “too sensitive” is denying their reality. It communicates, “You shouldn’t feel what you’re currently feeling” and it encourages emotional suppression, self-doubt, and shame (which are at the root of basically all mental disorders). What someone *actually* means when they say, “You’re being too sensitive” is this: “I cannot tolerate your sensitivity, and it’s triggering all the emotions that I’ve personally suppressed and buried.” The other message this statement sends is this: “You’re not meeting my expectations and living up to my standards.” Invalidation of this kind and invalidation is general, leads to increased emotional dysregulation, and increased feelings of isolation and shame.
Humans at every stage of life need people in their lives who can offer validation, acceptance, and empathy. This is why we need to learn how to do it and build these skills. We need to practice it in our relationships, we need to teach it to our kids and help them practice it with their friends, and we need to offer it to ourselves.
Offering it to ourselves is called “self-validation”. This means acknowledging and accepting our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without judgment. You might be thinking to yourself, “That sounds a lot like mindfulness.” Well, yes, it is. Self-validation and mindfulness are like peanut butter and jelly— they go together.
Just like validation, self-validation doesn’t mean that you believe every thought you think or that every emotion you feel is justified or needs to be acted on. Self-validation is the opposite of self-criticism, and it’s what we so desperately need. Why? Because several of us didn’t receive the validation we deserved and needed. Why? Because neither did our parents or their parents or their parents…
So, as adults, we have to learn to give ourselves what we need. Some call it self-responsibility or self-compassion, and others refer to this work as re-parenting or inner-child work. I agree with those people. Those might be some fun terms to Google search. But seriously…do it.
We need validation. We are literally social species that were biologically designed to rely on other species. Needing validation, from others and from yourself, isn’t needy or weak, it’s actually just human. This is the hallmark of interdependence— sometimes relying on others and sometimes relying on the Self. We need to do both. We need to practice validation in our relationships *and* we need to learn how to give it to ourselves.
I’m reading a great book right now called The Buddha & The Borderline by Kiera Van Gelder. And last night while reading, these words struck me.
“The difference between being told “There’s no reason to feel that way” and “I can understand how you feel that way” is the difference between taunting a rabid squirrel and giving it a tranquilizer.”
Validation is powerful and invalidation can do so much harm. Validation is like acceptance— it’s the soil from which all else can grow. It’s a prerequisite for change. It is medicine for wounding and hurting hearts.
…
Some practical tools
The next time a family member or friend comes to you upset or in distress (or the next time you feel distressed), try using a few of these statements before jumping in and offering advice or direction, or if it’s a child, correcting their behavior.
What a frustrating situation to be in
This is hard or it is hard
What do you need or how can I help?
Your feelings make sense
This is really disappointing
It sucks when things don’t go as planned
I am here for you
I see you and hear you
You’re making sense
You’re not alone
…
With love,
Rachel